Letters to an Idiot
by memacat.malpas
Summary: Charlotte and Jenny have been friends for a good deal. But will a certain, rather ugly, young man split apart their friendship? They write letters to each other expressing their hopes and warnings, but not all is as it seems. Not based on any characters from the book, but around the same time.


21st May 1815

My dearest Jenny,

News has recently come to my knowledge that you have been spending many an occasion in the company of Mr Charles Smythe. True, he is a man of good fortune, and men indeed seem so hard to find, yet he is an obsessive gambler, and has had many a scandal with countless young ladies. Truth be told, I cannot understand what you see in him, fortune aside. True, his eyes could be fine, had they not the appearance of discoloured raisins, and his mouth handsomely so, had it not the exact width of a baby elephant. His countenance is charming; aside from the fact he manages to insult the intellect of every being he converses with. And oh Jenny dear, his hands are like a true gentleman's, had they not been short, fat and a battlefield for blisters, callousness, cuts and any impalements you would care to name. One could quite call him handsome, aside from the fact he is the ugliest creature I have ever had the misfortune to cast my poor, delicate eyes on. I cannot suppress my affectionate worries for you, Jenny, and beg you to take no notice of the foul creature. Indeed, had it been the fortune you were after even that may disappear due to the extent in which his gambling may lead him. It is my dearest wish that you shall heed my words and shall have no more to do with Mr Smythe, nay, for he is not a gentleman in my eyes.

Best Wishes from your dearest friend,

Charlotte

27th May 1815

My dearest friend Charlotte,

Upon your letter, a spasm of shock was sent though me and I cannot believe you could be so cruel about dearest Mr Smythe. I understand your concern, but it was not needed. Charles is a dear, and as for all this talk of gambling, yes he enjoys the card table but just as much as the next man but one could hardly call it an addiction. His eyes, as you so cruelly described as raisins, are the exact shade of the night sky, as I have often told him. His mouth is beautiful and not nearly as gargantuan as you so grievously exaggerate, and as for his character, he is pleasing and friendly to all I know and one of the handsomest men of my acquaintance. His hands are as soft as a baby's, and the rumours circulating about ridiculous scandals are as true as saying petticoats will ever go out of fashion! I know this because he told me so with the utmost sincerity; so much that no one of rational thought could doubt he was telling nothing but the truth. I truly hope I have defended good Charles, and that your rather low opinion of him has changed. I hope to be seeing you (and dancing with him!) at the next ball soon.

Dearest regards,

Ever your friend Jenny

1st June 1815

Dear good Jenny,

I write with much grievance at the letter you sent me. It seems being with Mr Smythe has clouded your judgment, for the Jenny I know is a good, rational girl. I do believe he has turned your head!

Let me explain in more detail. It was only a few weeks ago when I received a letter from my aunt in Leicester, warning me about Mr Smythe. She had heard that the regiment had moved here and wished to express her concern for our welfare. It would seem that a particular Mr Charles Smythe had caused quite a scandal with many young ladies. Indeed, it has been told that he plays a deceitful game, showing his affections and wooing them before saying a cruel hearted goodbye without even a letter in correspondence and certainly no proposal. Dozens of young girls have had their reputations and hearts crushed in this manner, and I pray yours will not also. I only refrained from giving this dreadful news to you earlier in hope it was not needed. Now I see the error of my ways, as I hope you see the error in yours. My aunt's letter also went on to tell tales of extreme gambling, money swindling and drunken actions. They are too much to be written down myself, but if worst comes to worst I shall have to send you her letter. As such, I have come to an agreement with your mother that you shall not attend the upcoming ball unless you swear you shall do nothing but exchange pleasantries with this man. I hope this has shocked you to your senses.

From your concerned and affectionate friend

Charlotte

6th June 1815

Fie Charlotte!

How could you be so cruel as to ban me from the ball! And tell such lies about Charles too! I received your letter and fainted in horror at the evil words you have written. However, after much mulling in my chamber, I have come to a decision. You are jealous. Yes indeed, for you are jealous of his affections to me. I have never seen any man show any interest in you, nay, not even as good friends, for why would they? You have no fortune, and certainly no real beauty. How possibly could your freckles and, forgive me, rather large nose compare to my golden curls and sweet temperament? I have seen the way you act around dearest Charles. You wish it were you dancing with him instead of me. And, oh, how you laugh at his jokes, even the dull ones! It sounds like a donkey getting its tail pulled! How could that compare to my fluttering sound of merriment? It cannot.

As for the ball, I will have to take desperate measures. It is beyond spiteful for you to ban me from it, but nothing will stop me seeing Charles! My mother has banned him from our house, but what is it but chance when we happen upon each other in town? For surely there is no way we could be corresponding in secret, could there?

From no longer your friend,

Charlotte


End file.
